Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
