Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
