i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
