You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
How naked do you want me to be?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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