Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
