If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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