This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
