Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
