i barfeds in our rink
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
