Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
