apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
