Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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