I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
