Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
