You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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