All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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