I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
