Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
