my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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