I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Randomize
