Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
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just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
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Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.