he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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