I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
