I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
