Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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