Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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