This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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