the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
