Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
