Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
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