My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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