yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
