Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
