Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
