she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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