and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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