6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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