There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
