my phone needs a breathalizer
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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