the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
