She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
