bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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