Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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