I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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