I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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