Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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