Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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