I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
