SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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