Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
