I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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