He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
