Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
