Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
