i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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