I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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