update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
