watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
P.S. I can't hear my feet
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
