i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
