I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
